This isn't a joke but i had to find a place on my site to put
this so here you go....
Truisms...ain't it the truth!1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away and barefoot. 2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 3. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 4. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 5. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 6. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 8. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 10.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 11.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 12.Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. 13.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 14.No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 18.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 19.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 20.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes
you a hamburger! 21.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22.By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends. 23.Thou shalt not not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25.I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. 26.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
HOT WEBSITES These are the "hottest" websites on the internet lol. Check them out.
I think the names a just tiny bit misleading, what do you think? AllNight.com Harder.com NicePair.com DoMe.com CummingFirst.com ThrillTime.com Eros.com Body-Electric.com LickingGuide.com BigOne.com
Some things that make no sense at all or to make you go hmmmmm.....
1. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on. 2. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 3. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. 4. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 5. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. 6. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 7. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 8. The statement below is true. 9. The statement above is false. 10. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. 11. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. 12. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 13. I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit. 14. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 15. Time is fun when you're having flies ... Kermit 16. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 17. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 18. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though. 19. Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes? 20. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 23. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. 24. Gun Control: Use both hands. 25. Remember: First you pillage then you burn. 26. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. 27. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 28. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 29. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. 30. Half the people in the world are below average. 31. Strip mining prevents forest fires. 32. I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. 33. Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh 34. A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory! 35. If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already? 36. If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat? 37. Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Things to do....at K-mart or Wal-martThings to do at while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time: 1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in house wares," and see what happens. 5. Put M&M's on lay away. 6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why
won't you people leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible". 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position an scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again". 15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!".
Hope the jokes aren't making you want to sleep...
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:1.Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3.Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do more sit-ups. 4.Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5.Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6.Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7.Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avacado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red . 9.Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10.Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off). 11.Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12.Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13.Turn off shower. 14.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16.Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,tweeze hairs. 17.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then
sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the " woo-woo" sound. 3.Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). 4.Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. 5.Get in the shower. 6.Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 7.Wash your face. 8.Wash your armpits. 9.Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. 10.Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 11.Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. 12.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. 13.Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 14.Make a shampoo Mohawk. 15.Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. 16.Pee (in the shower). 17.Rinse off and get out of the shower. 18.Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 19.Partially dry off. 20.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. 21.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 22.Leave bathroom fan and light on. 23.Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you the "woo-woo" sound again. 24.Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. TO MAIN PAGE Email Me
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